Is it just me?!!!!

Ok, so I've been thinking a lot! And pretty sure I'm not the only one to think this, but perhaps one of the first to speak about it!!!
Marriage! Yes, we fall in love, get those feelings when all we want to do is be with that person, share everything!
We love them! We decide the next step is marriage! Ok, now avoiding all the other negative aspects, the family ties, the fights, the way you just don't agree on things you thought you would! My main issue is this:
We marry someone, and pretty much 90% of all of us spend most of the time being away from that person! One, or both of you work! You perhaps have children, one of you may spend there time looking after them. The closeness you had simply can not exist as it did. Forget all the vows and morals here. Surely in life we need to love?! We need to feel and spend this short time on earth feeling good, making others feel good?! Instead, over years and years we developed this sense of importance that simply is not important!!! We argue, we fight, we become jealous! We realise we want other things, yet trap ourselves in morally obligating situations, because that's how we perceive what is right!!
I'm not stating that we should go, have affairs, or break up, but seriously, think about what is important in this life to you! Be honest and make the most of what you have. Just look at the country! A person or group attempt to rule it, but no one is ever happy, people are not honest, and priorities are lost consistently!!! Think about it!!!

A level plain of ups and downs

I know I'm not the only person out there who suffers with lows. Being able to publicly write about it, I guess I know I am open. But the feeling is still the same. There are no current influences, I can't put a reason to why I am experiencing this more today, or this week than at any other time. Gone are the simple attempts at a reason, that I would be sure of at 18. Surely enough was there then to feel low. I am painting, working hard on most ventures I attempt to undertake.
My personal life is fine, my friends, well they could be seen more, but I have a family, as do most others have there own life. But I undoubtably feel considerably low. I can sit in my studio and happily be content with my work, but still cry. Music, well unlike my youth, it can be anywhere, but doesn't encourage my mood as it nice did, so deliberately. I just feel down in a part of what must be my brain! I am dieting, which can contribute, as I also take medicine for high anxiety and depression, which I feel, and know needs raising.
The emotional connection I encounter with some certainly heightens my down, but yet to truly let lose on my thoughts, to an extent where being judged is not an issue. You know when someone is genuine and knows when to ask questions. Yet that's not what I want, but I guess the familiarity with one who can and wants to know, listen to these explanations of utter confusion is I guess needed, and most certainly wanted. Sometimes, you can't be accepted by what would seem your closest person, a spouse, and a sibling. I'm not one to judge, but it's taken differently from them, they naturally become defensive, and want what's best, usually assuming they have contributed to my issue!
But merely not the case, sometimes I think we all feel enclosed in our most open area of livelihood, and perhaps is what I currently experience! Hopefully, it is just my off week, and as an artist, a situation that I have always dealt with, yet differently than now, more controlled now! Tomorrow is another day, cry, smile, laugh, we continue to move forward and cope the best we can. I just do so by writing, creating, and communicating! I'm positive many do so in other ways.
Well, enough of my rambling! I'm sure I can be less distracted in a week!!!

What's to come

After 10 years of having this in my head, my practice is taking a step back to move forward!!

Buildings.

The urban format of buildings, there underlying truths and histories, and ‘grotty’ presence and importance is simply fascinating. They can be painted, highlighted with commercial presence, yet remain the same, under new identities but leave a trail untouched unless destructed by those who want to change for there own self greed.
Yet what walks past, the continuous flow of generations of people, what makes them stand alone as specific importance and innocent strands creatively is vast yet so very judged. I want the untouched next to the touched; the importance of what makes a generation special, what can influence these structures, and how it affects the future.
I use children mainly to highlight these surroundings, as we all grow in these vast areas that seem so unimportant, until we age, and view our own past, filling it with nostalgic importance. It’s what shapes us, like territorial markings of where we have been, and what we have seen.

So, artistically, what will we gain from all this?

Ok, I have been thinking, what am I attempting to get out of the escort fad, what can it produce artistically? Well, I am looking to document my experiences, perhaps going further into a feature docu film also. It is definitely a business targeted at for stigmas that have been attached, but also one people care about enough to be secretly interested in!
The make escort site is a two fold business, yes smutty it can be, but also a business of certain dig matey for those who look at it to make a living and have self respect and morals within! So going forward, expect more updates, and see where all this leads to!
I am expecting my first real client in one month as I have been booked in!

Dry spell!!!

Well we reach the middle of the week, amidst the middle of the month! I await my first main booking, as that is in April, and it seems as with everything else, that paydays affect most things, including hiring me.
So far I have actually had a ton of interest, with much from men also. But so many must simple be voyeurs as the idea of it appeals most! Naturally, some women see apprehensive but excited of the prospect, with others wanting too much creative control of out of hour, and out of payment ideas!!!
So I continue my second week, awaiting the second phone to call, with my email also! But as with last weekend I expect some to contact again! Well, we shall see, so stay tuned into my wacky world and this current project!!

The things we do eh!!!!

Well as a writer for thecarni.com it's always challenging! And as an artist myself I love to challenge things, especially myself! So one thing I have been looking into, which has had much publication over the last few years is escorting! Male escorting is what I wanted to look into and find out more about. So with time on my side I decided to take it serious and see where my challenges were within that industry!
The main thing I have found this far is 'time waisters', as this seems to be a big issue in this business! At first you get calls, wanted in high demand it seems, but many just seemingly like the idea of what could happen! Like mind games!
But anyhow I am sticking to it, and seeing where this can take me! So keep watching in as more to be revealed as I have it!

It's like a smell!!

When a sound brings that all familiar feeling, a nostalgia sometimes, often it's like a smell! One which reminds you of a specific moment in time that you experienced, or in some cases, believe you experienced (see de ja vu).
But a sound is all so very different and complex. Perhaps like a vision, it can make you have goose pumps with an excitement or anticipation of wonderment!!
Perhaps even more complex than that, as a sound, when mixed with a vision can bring about many feelings at once! One of the most powerful feeling I have ever experienced, is an emotive sound, with that of an epic image or series of images, that connects to you, personally. For whatever reason, morally, emotionally, physically, that combination is insanely powerful. Almost explosive!
Aside from this, sound on its own, with a somber thought, hard day, worst received text, or argument that makes you over think can also feel at that time catastrophic!
As we feed from it, we perhaps want or need to shed those tears, after all it's natural.
And we have the almost opposite, when sound is made to encourage a happy sensation, a jovial sound, when mixed with alchohol, but no where near as powerful as a sound when sober!!! Worth thinking about. Perhaps our natural inclination is to feel, or want to feel low?!